I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
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Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.