Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
You Might Also Like
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.