millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
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Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
Strangers have the best candy.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.