Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
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My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.