I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
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Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Breaking news:
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Livid.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel