on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
You Might Also Like
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats