I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
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Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Why are bridges so flammable.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
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