Yup….perfect score!
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I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.