My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
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Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Every time my phone rings
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
🛁
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.