therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
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ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat