When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
You Might Also Like
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Just how popey was the pope today?
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct