Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
You Might Also Like
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
new wife guy just dropped
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.