It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
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looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”