*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
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No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Autocorrect is my menesis
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?