Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
You Might Also Like
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler