for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
You Might Also Like
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?