I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
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Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
#milo
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick