Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
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Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside