I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
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When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.