Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
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I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Yup.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Got him!
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.