[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
You Might Also Like
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
I’ve been drinking.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Mountain Goat : )
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.