WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
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Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.