I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
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eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.