Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
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You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.