Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
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I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent