I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
You Might Also Like
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Does your wife know you’re single?
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.