[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
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It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Those are good neighbors.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
how to have fun when you’re poor
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.