*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
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If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
I am crying
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭