Lil Brain – Out of Leads
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[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
some things should go without saying
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Coffee is ready.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*