Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
You Might Also Like
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
I support this random dude and all his protests
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
i spent way too long on this
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
I have never related to anyone more.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.