Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
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it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Autocorrect is my menesis
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.