[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
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dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
🤣🤣
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.