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The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad