I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
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If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.