On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
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Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn鈥檛 think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i鈥檇 highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
you don鈥檛 need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I鈥檓 right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That鈥檚 not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I鈥檓 not wearing a costume 馃檨
McDonald鈥檚 just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald鈥檚鈩笍 McRib鈩笍 sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca鈥檚 fur.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.