WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
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I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”