Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
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At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*