*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
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The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
Happy birthday to all the women
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Flowers bee like
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you