Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
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[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.