ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
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[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.