This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
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People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
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His name is Dave.
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My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
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Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
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Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
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Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
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