Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
You Might Also Like
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
How it started How it’s going
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan