Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
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Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Once again not all heroes wear capes
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
If I ignore life will it go away?
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping