Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
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You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Body by Oreos
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…