Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
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How it started How it’s going
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison