Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
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YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s