I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
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A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there