people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
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It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT