If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
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My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.