#TopTip
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Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL